Whatever, she only has 293 friends, she cant afford to be defriending me..
FYI don't ever, ever get a lap dance from a stripper who says " she's having a bad day " at a bachelor party.
sorry for throwing an entire water bottle of vodka at you. It was very wasteful
so i may have indirectly taught my 13 year old campers how to give blowjobs.
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
Did you sleep with Connor? And who undressed me? There's a picture of two guys peeing out my bedroom window. What happened?
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
It's one of those nights that you wish to god someone would booty call you, and then realize you'll just be stuck here with your poptart...
Tell him to dress up like Shaggy and kidnap him then bring him to me. We can pretend. Imaagination.
He's pretty cool once you ignore the fact that he's trying to get into your pants
I think he's like 40 and maybe a little sociopathetic and i have never been so turned on
Another text to add to the intervention pile, i see
i don't think fitbit tracks "flipping the fuck out" as activity.
It's almost like he's actually taking my commentary and criticism to heart, but simultaneously succumbing to some primal urge to wear less clothing each time.
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
I like shiny stuff tho if that’s an emotion
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