Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
I want to start this convo out by apologizing for the broken toaster.
Ps, did you know if you google "drunk jenga", you're the first image that shows up?
He tells me he loves me and I say I just want him for sex, then he looks at me like I just said I hate puppies. What kind of guy is he?
I came in your room, you looked at me and said "I fucked up" and then some kid showed up and took you to the hospital
Drunk me wrote a bucket list last night. #4 is "hate fuck a childhood enemy". Can we make this happen?
A beer is a heart your wish makes!!!
Shotgunning beers to finish a midterm project at 3am is a good idea right?
SOS YOU NEED TO TAKE THE CANDY PANTIES OUT OF THE GLOVE COMPARTMENT BEFORE MOM TAKES MY CAR
I just need some breakup sex yanno like filthy wish fulfilling breakup sex to make me forget what I never had
He started talking about getting a puppy together. So of course I went down on him later
It was like if the scent of sour milk and burning tires had a baby in taste form.
I have two choices: tits or tacos. I just can't decide.
So, I'm roughly 90% sure that the guy next to me in the xray waiting room is watching porn on his phone right now
Randomize
