My landlord wasn't pleased about the new fire pit we built him.
I was holding her hair back and when she quit puking she told me she's been saving her scissor virginity for me.
There's an australian, my relationship has no hope.
something isn't right. i offered to be his sex slave and he declined..
She fucking ripped my chandelier out of my ceiling. How does that make her a keeper?
You "were" hungover, which is past tense. So that gives you no excuse not to go out tonight.
There is nothing like getting stoned and spying on people with binoculars
I gurantee you I'll be the only one dressed as a giraffe.
We officially wrote our house rules 1. We do not waste alcohol 2. Pinky promises mean something 3. Don't leave your facebook open, and if you do, don't complain 4. Never refuse cuddle or catch phrase
You know you have done too many drugs when you gum the sugar off your margarita without even thinking twice
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
Out of all the things you could eat off of my tits you choose lettuce? Thats so healthy. Yuck.
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
are you still up? I want to use you for sexual things. you have 35 minutes to respond to this offer.
He stumbled out of their hotel room and yelled, "I'M ON A STATEWIDE TOUR. I'VE BEEN IN KENTUCKY AND OKLAHOMA."
Randomize
