my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
grab my backpack.....its in the fridge
I just found out that the liquid capacity of my breasts is 700ml each. I should not be left alone at home when drunk.
in respone to your voicemail you left me on saturday, yes i had gone to bed and no i was not still drinking at 5am
I sat on his lap and we shared a beer. I feel like that's an invitation to his dick.
He wants to buy me a drink to apologize for sending me a pic of his dick. Welcome to my life.
So unmotivated today.
Who am I kidding. So unmotivated this decade.
Who wants to play the "pick up your shit from our floor because you're not paying rent or dating either of us" game?
You can say goodbye to our security deposit.
Already? What he do?
Opened a bag of topsoil at the party and spread it all over the living room. TOPSOIL!
I'm a mess. I mean I almost got off but I'm a fucking rubics cube down there so il givenhim the point
Like he was cock blocking and it usually takes ten cocks to block this cock
My mom just woke me up with a cowboy hat and sunglasses on. It's 7 am and she's drunk.
Despite evidence suggesting otherwise, it turns out max is 100%straight.
I just shaved my legs via the sink as to not wake my parents up because I know I'll be having marathon sex tomorrow after my certification exam... so this is life after college.
Randomize
