There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
and unfortunately for you, hallmark doesnt make a "sorry i was getting a blowie in the backseat of your car while you were driving, projectiled my jizz onto your hand, and caused you to crash" card
he bit the head off a dead goose for 5 beers. this is my future boyfriend.
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
will barter weed for kareoke machine...
He blended the pizza with water and drank the whole thing. He is my hangover hero
Carving a pumpkin in a gay bar at 2am. How did my life get to be this way.
Fuck I am so excited for the first time I can make someone call me Doctor Nikki during sex after I finish my PhD
the best part was at the strip club when he said he was "here to pick up my wife. she's up on stage.....wait that's my aunt". only in Ottawa.
Who gives a hand job to a 19 yr old one night then the next lets a 31 year old random man fly a plane to town and pick u up and take u to dinner?
Come here I'm naked
And I want mozzarella sticks
How the fuck did we end up at a strip club last night.. We started the night playing bingo at a church
I have the liquor shits and this time, it's personal.
Woke up this morning with girl, I ask her for some gum. She says "there's a guest toothbrush for the boys in my bathroom". I can't decide whats worse, that she has a shack brush or that I actually used it
Yupp. He's definitely a screamer.
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