Sandwiches eeeeeeverywhere.
Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
He shit in the bushes next to the pool at the Venetian, after throwing up in the hallway. You really can do anything in Vegas.
if u cant get laid at this wedding we need to have a looooooong talk about the possibility of u becoming a lesbian
we fucked the fort apart but we'll rebuild it after we get some drinks.
You are going to be so proud of me, I'm wearing underwear AND tights. That's two layers more than usual between my vagina and the world.
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
I don't think the best pickup line was. Hey I have never made a girl orgasm before but I'm sure it will work on someone like you.
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
Whatever dude, just dont tell her your first impression was she looked like your cousin. no judgement here. just sayin.
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
Has anyone heard from Jamie or has she actually just been having sex for 48 hours?
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
hooked up with him and then had a conversation with his ex about how we hate people who hook up with our exs...
On another note, I think my upstair neighbor is having sex. How awkward would it be if I showed up to her door with a bag of Chipotle?
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