Today I realized that I've had whole drunk relationships with people. And sober me has and wants no part in it.
If my vagina had boots, it would be shaking in them.
Last night i was so high that i came home and did a taste test of every vitamin water and wrote theyre grade down on paper.
and while your girlfriend wears your relationship pants, i'll be wearing my ecstasy pants
America approved of our night. A bald eagle flew over us at 7am
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
How do you feel?
Like the devil himself shit me out, baked me into a pie, ate the pie, and shit me out again.
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
Someone the age of your son tried to go home with me from the bar last night
She wants to have a threesome with Taylor Swift. I think this is the kind of love my grandparents spoke of.
I got horny for like a second but the eggplant snapped me out of it
i ate pretzels. i might be the first human to be hospitalized from pretzels. that's how bad this is.
All I remember is your girlfriend laying on the bathroom floor and me crawling in and asking if it was okay to puke.
She made me watch three musicals and then told me she was too tired for me to stay over. I think I'm being punished but I have no clue what I did.
Legit just heard the bartender tell some Dude "Penis is not an accepted currency in this establishment" and Dude responded "You take Vagina then?"
Randomize
