I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
i just recognized the girl sitting across from me from a lesbian porno... should i ask for an autograph?
Also, at 1:30 I emailed myself saying, "are you there Margaret? It's me, god"
I went to grab his drink and my hand grazed his dick. It was magical.
I think my whole family judged my ability to change under a blanket.
In a moving vehicle and other people in the car
I hooked up with a 20 year old last night. I feel like a hocus pocus witch that sucked life from a child.
ecstacy + fleshlight = not all that upset about being newly single anymore
Last thing I remember clearly was, "ok, but if we're are gonna get drunk before class, there's no half-doing this"
Can you work for me at 4? We might have just taken some drugs we found in the couch and... end of story
Do you think they manscape in the zombie apocalypse?
I'm trying to drink up the confidence to run in public.
I have 35 pounds of pennies. Need any?
She walked into the kitchen, said 'we've come to this time of the party,' reached into the bowl of cold spaghetti and shoved a handful in her mouth.
Never joke about your clitoris.
Randomize
