She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
She refers to my dick as princess Sarah... oddly I'm okay with that.
I made her cum... she sounded like Ray Romano
it's to the point where working 2 jobs this summer will absolutely not cover how much i will spend on alcohol next semester.
I can count the number of hours she's been sober this weekend on one hand.
got my wristband ripped off, was told i can only be served water. please find me, i'll be running through the fountain
He literally sends me dick pictures, EVERY DAY. SEVERAL DIFFERENT ANGLES ..it's like I GET THE POINT.
Honey, I don't care how "classic you" this is. It's not gonna matter if we can't find you in the morning.
He asked if he could pull one of my teeth "to remember me by"
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
me + whiskey = a bad person
One day i'll wow you with artfully trimmed pubes.
We got a lap dance! I touched a boob!
You know you have a problem when your man yells at you that his penis is not your personal play toy.
totally just bought a bottle of gin with nothing but change
don't ever let anyone tell you that youre not 100% class
Randomize
