my vagina has a 5:00 shadow
she came over and started getting naked and said its not like i came over to just hang out
youve hit the jackpot
Do you like marathons because that's how long I plan on fucking you.
I'm not going to blow you while you look at fish on the internet.
her nose should be used as a dorsal fin
So he thinks I sent him a picture of my boob last night, but it was really just a close up of my arm.
That's like rubbing a penis in my face and not giving it to me.
I'm pre-party power houring. It's so catchy I couldn't not do it
How did you even find out?
Because you came up to me and said "I just fucked in the bathroom."
Oh.
I just stabbed open a can of Spaghetti Os with a spork. Who says I cant take care of myself?
I asked Tony because I knew he wouldn't give me a lecture about consequences
???? Tony IS a lecture about consequences
Oh man I wish I could've gotten a picture of how many anti-circumcision stickers are on this Prius
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
His name was Dragon. For real. How do you not sleep with a Dragon? Don't judge me.
Ya, It's probably because whenever I close my eyes I see a kitten playing a banjo.
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