I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
I bought a boat. Want to have sex on The Angry Clam? That's what I named it.
Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
Which one of you FUCKERS filled the toilet with soil and planted my mothers daisys in it? NOT FUCKING HAPPY
And you kept hanging up and calling back because you thought I wasn't greeting you properly.
Note to self. Champagne flavored lube is neither as tasty nor as classy as one might think.
That's ok. I found a crab leg in my bed and have no pants on.
We had to introduce ourselves in ethics class. This guy stood up said I'm mark, I love sluts and Jack. Then just sat back down. Hero status.
The fact that its 530pm and I'm saying to myself I should sober up since I'm at a family establishment should say enough
I think pretend fucking a camel is a good thing to do downtown. They loved me.
Not many people can say they've been photo bombed by an antelope. I sure did.
don't give me stepladders when i'm stoned.. i woke up to a slice of balogna nailed to the ceiling
Once you've had an oral std scare, you're an expert.
I am so not sober enough to have a 5 minute conversation in Spanish
It was pretty awesome. I drank out of a stein and attempted to dance to dubstep with some older guys in leiderhosen.
Randomize
