I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
k, so I just picked a four leaf clover, then saw my dads penis. Lucky? I think not.
You should've come with us, we're at Home Depot looking for men.
totally watching dr. phil and getting eaten out right now. be jealous.
I don't remember coming home but there is cereal EVERYWHERE
do not get into a discussion with my roommate when im sitting there naked ever again.
He just asked me to pee through my panties while he watched. I might need more tequila for this one.
Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
Why are you always at the walk in clinic, Lady Chlamydia?
You're not allowed to make that my permanent nickname.
While I faked being asleep, he literally prayed to God out loud, asking for forgiveness for losing his virginity before marriage.
Missing part of a tooth cos I tried to open a beer with my teeth, just saw a dude that looked like bill Cosby though so things are looking up
I think I just got judged by the pizza guy. dude, you deliver fucking pizza. you need rethink YOUR life.
I believe in weed hangovers. To say the least.
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
Granted, I did not plan to spend ANY hour of the last day of 2020 sober.
Randomize
