you wouldn't even come home last night... Dead to me
Like all of my pajamas are shirts of guys I shacked with in college
Do u think I can claim pregnancy as an accident so my insurance covers it?
who do i root for if I want Christiano Ronaldo to win the world cup on a team by himself and then bang chicks on the pitch?
She literally crushed my balls between her butt cheeks. It was both the greatest and worst thing ever. Dancers are awesome.
St Patricks Day is not the day you decide to have a sober epiphany.
we hotboxed my bathroom. with nine people and two dogs.
Yeah well tell that to drunk me. She seems to have no standards or gender preference.
You're cock blocking me from my own boyfriend. What kind of shit is that?
you can't let guys come on your chest and then hog my blanket
And now I'm taking a break sitting on the bathroom floor thanking god that people who eat at subway are either too classy to piss on the floor, or are still relatively sober enough to not piss on the floor before 5pm.
You go to class with the flu but don't go when it rains... Get your shit together
I was totes going to lose it to him last night, but I cried and we ate mexican food instead.
mother daughter bonding time. she's helping me make jello shots.
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
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