my mom walked in on my vaccuming.......i wasnt vaccumming
I've spent too much of my life staring at my bberry and counting to 5 to see if it blinks
Guy at red light looking at porn. I'm waiting for him to look over at me so I can shake my head and he can feel bad
I don't appreciate you drunk dressing passed-out me in spandex for bed
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
i woke up wearing her shoes. this night isn't going on my highlight reel
OHMYGOD did I try to use pinesol as a mixer?
I'd just like to say before I start drinking tonight that not only do I not find you attractive; I don't want to hook up with you, suck your dick, be your "suga mama" or have your babies. Please disregard any texts, phone calls or voicemails that say otherwise..
And by "schedule" I meant crumbled up liquor store receipt, that I wrote shit on.
Guy hitting on me at bar is guy who's Craigslist ad we laughed at the other night. Not even kidding.
Bobbing for jello shots in a bucket of long island. Fast track to alcohol poisoning.
The little girl I'm babysitting is having a tea party, the water and chips she's passing out are doing wonders for my hangover.
He said his name was Tony, after last night I will refer to him as Tiny
It's a beautiful day to be high as fuck
You're either getting fucked or a coupon to Friendly's. I haven't decided yet.
Randomize
