I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
Why do i always get involved with 3 women at once?
Because life brings drama and thus like moths to a flame, women
Vegas is awesome. Its like you have a kentucky accent girls automatically assume you don't have herpes.
im laying here in the parking lot drinking a warm coke, prob still drunk, feeling like i need to apologize to everyone i know
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
He whinnies like a horse when he's cumming. I wish I would have known this before we got into a relationship.
If it's not soft enough to fuck on, then we're not getting the new rug.
We found you naked curled up in a ball in the closet, using a gorilla suit as a blanket
I feel like he's only with me because no one else would blow him.
just once I'd like to not pass out before we leave the designated pre-drinking place
a guy just walked through our campsite, crouched down by the truck, screamed "ACID ONLY LASTS FOR 8 HOURS RIGHT?!", then ran off into the bushes
I was trying to remember why my knees hurt then I remembered I was twerking on the countertops.
Who knew I could feel anymore shameful at the bar than i usually do...I think my bartender recognizes me from the walk of shame out of his house after i hooked up with his son yesterday
i'm pretty sure you can't sue someone for "Taking a shit on my kitchen floor."
I hope no one at work can tell or smell that I have tequila in my hair and I haven't showered for days
Randomize
