i don't know what kind of porn he watches.. but that is NOT how you do it...
last week i woke up at this guys house...this week i woke up at his ex girlfriends
While drunk it seemed like a good idea to barricade my roommate in his room with everything that we could move in our apartment, waking up to him screaming from it collapsing on top of him was just an added bonus.
He suggested abortion before I finished the sentence. That was my plan too, but now I feel like should keep it just to prove how big of a dick he is.
tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
We were trying to sober you with hotdog buns but you refused put half of it in your bra and said you'd save it for later
I was just stopped at a stop sign waiting for the moon to turn green.
I inhaled my own vomit, how was your night?
In all honesty the person most likely to secretly slip me drugs would be ... Me
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
I would just like to point out that a bandaid led to sex. The lesson here is always have a bandaid in your wallet.
Well, I hope you're having fun. I'm just gonna lay here and wait for death - shouldn't be long now.
i saved a drunk oompa loompa he was passed out on the lawn and i picked him up figured out where he lived and put him in his bed and wrote his roommate a note
the teacher told me he was disappointed and when I asked why he just shook his head. remember that kid that caught us having sex behind the school? pretty sure that was his son.
Randomize
