I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
god, a vagina is an amazing trump card
Did you know the Dallas Cowboy cheerleaders have an exercise show ON Demand? Yeah, I had a lonely night
My flask crushed my baggie full of aderall in my backpack, why can't my demons just live together in peace
Urine might work for jellyfish stings, but we found out it doesn't work well for nose bleeds...
I'm sweating so much right now i look like Whitney Houston
I just feel like a girl who's never eaten a pb&j probably doesn't swallow
I knew you would eventually ask my secret. Pedialite mix drinks. Works wonders.
Her husband thinks she's banging me and nothing is going to change his mind so I told her we might as well just bang and make him right
I just remember yelling "BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS" while I was streaking
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
Just beer bonged through a snorkel, add that to the list
Hey does the gas gauge in your car work?
Nevermind...we figured it out. Heres a more relevant question, does your insurance have roadside assistance?
Yeah I knew you'd like him. He's emotionally and physically self destructive.
We would have so much to talk about!
Randomize
