My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
I shall celebrate this moment with a beer conveniently located in the sock drawer directly to the right of me.
Just hooked up with a girl I met in line at Taco Bell. I told you leave me to do my own thing and I'll get it in
So, do you ever feel like EVERY SINGLE ONE OF YOUR FRIENDS IS INVOLVED IN A MASSIVE AND INTRICATE CONSPIRACY TO COCKBLOCK YOU AT ALL COSTS?
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It's been a wonderful constant drunkeness. We played Marco polo with some random like 8 yr olds in the kiddie pool.
No He hasn't done that since the time he came in his own eye
Nothing is more important than the last pool party of the season. Call in sick or gay or something.
Yikes. I usually have a 24-hour waiting period between sex partners. You know, like for a handgun.
I may have farted on a group of children. It may not have been an accident.
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I need to stop getting in the car with my dad when im rolling balls. I think he's starting to notice my eyes aren't usually completely pupil
Ugh I can't even look at alcohol this weekend, my body needs to heal.
I manage to fit my wine bottle in my koozie and the rest is history
is that a dick in a sweater?
Oh my god.. Saw a commercial for Captain Morgan. Made me gag a little bit.
She flirted with a pilot and a frat boy at the airport in Vegas and told our bartender his mask matched her panties so yeah I’d say she’s rebounding from the divorce
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