Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
Look I'm sorry I shaved your cat, but get over it.
I just got home. Seriously all I remember is taking out my contacts and putting your balls in my mouth.
The handjob she gave me was better than the best blowjob I've ever gotten.. Just imagine the possibilities.
He asked me if we could throw a lingerie party together so I guess he's single again
You were basically naked. Just covered in pink duck tape and feathers. I'd have to say this is beyond the slutty mark..
If you're wondering where your left shoe is you lost it in a bet with a homeless guy last night
Feeling better?
I can stand long enough to do the dishes finally. Been trying that all day.
20 bottles of wine, 3 cases or beer, and 5 bottles in my kitchen... My parents are teasing me.
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
I must have some kind of deep rooted instinct that tells me when a boys virginity needs to be taken.
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
Did u know it's unconstitutional to turn down a shot during 4th of July celebrations.. Rest now dear liver
Pedi-lyte stocked
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
Mcnellies. I'm drunk enough that you have a window. Capitalize.
Randomize
