Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
I AM THE KING OF THE FRESHMEN
how did i know this would happen?
Im sleeping in your bed. Sorry for the sand and the noise and the loud people. Im starving
Your blankets are not drunk friendly
I wasn't concerned until I realized he was using the vase my birthday flowers came in as a " big glass" for his 151 and coke.
Ugh he's texting me.
Tell him you're no longer interested in what he has to offer; his shitty personality outweighs his sexual prowess.
Youre the drunk baby that everyone wants to take care of.
Finishing last nights 1.5L of wine and beef jerky for breakfast. Work looms, ever the prickly bitch.
I woke up in my living room, on the floor, wearing nothing but a fur coat?
Take a good hard look at your life. And the number of 18-20 year olds that you have made out with in the last 6 months... and then keep doing whatever the fuck you want.
So I put a beer on your bed and jumped on th3 other side of the bed like in the commercials. You my good sir, owe me a budweiser that your bed drank.
Im breaking out the trunk vodka tonight, its been aged to perfection.
I see you met someone special
I spanked her so hard I woke up Grandma
In the event that Ian's ex wife asks you, tell her I'm sweet snd innocent. No reason.
Ahaah! I just stole batteries from work for my vibrator. I am that person.
I'd rather plunge my eyes out than acknowledge being related to either of my brothers
Randomize
