Doug is wearing your sports bra fyi
I wish I was a guy so I could jack myself off anytime I wanted to
I'm blazed at jack in the box and my order number is 420. I wish everything in the world made this much sense.
and he says: but we did find out that your ovaries have never released eggs. first thing out of my mouth: so i didnt really need to take the morning after pill so many times in college?
not the response he usually gets im sure.
My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
She told me she was selfish for not giving me a blowjob... I couldn't agree more.
Can I have my ID back now or are you using it to crossdress again?
You're in the clear; you and Andrew did not joint fingerbang that girl on the dance floor last night.
Ps you missed quite a show. I was for some reason whipping my hair back and forth and head butted the tip jar. It shattered and now I have a circular bruise on my forehead. All the bartenders hit the floor to get all the quarters.
Mike showed up naked and in handcuffs. Again. Feel free to come over and laugh because I'm not helping this time.
We were fucking and his phone rang and it was his grandma. He just had a conversation with his grandma while fucking me from behind. Then his dad called and asked him what he wanted from taco bell.
Thank you for helping a fellow gay friend today. You are sublime and deserve free tickets to the Ellen show
Did you really have to freak out and get up half way through to put the cat in the closet?
...
I am the most hated person in hoboken. Ive been doing drunken cake boss impressions down the street for the past 20 mins.
Randomize
