He about cried when I ordered pizza online. He said it was a miracle.
My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
I know the scar will be in an obvious place, that's why I'm certain it'll score me cancer blowjobs
He asked me why my bellybutton was so ugly... and wondered why i wasnt in the mood anymore.
i feel like you're just hanging onto the edge of functioning wino.
im getting coffee to go get coffee.
Im throwing up in my trash can so I can go throw up in the toilet. We're basically on the same level.
I just want to jump into a ballpool of dicks now.
Apparently he proposed after he saw me chug vodka out of a traffic cone.
I call it a party but only because that sounds better than 8 people getting drunk around a pool.
Where did you go?
I'm not really sure. They have flavored vodka. I like it and I'm never leaving. Ever.
Package arrived for me from the gf while she's on vacation..under the bed bondage kit and new lingerie...my boner could drive to the airport
Basically taped my dick down because it's too obvious in this costume...
Brought some lesbians back to the light side of the force
Got a $290 noise violation last night for shouting "THE KING OF THE NORTH" til 2 am
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
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