also, i may or may not be wearing a cape right now. hint: i am.
I just heard a teenager say to his friend "dats my baby! i was hittin her up on myspace like gurllll. she got me steamin". must have missed the memo its 2005 and we still use myspace.
Jesus people on campus asked me what i do for joy. I said i love sinning especially pre-marital sex.
we were so high we made up an elaborate backstory because we were paranoid about going into the wig shop w/o being serious wig shoppers
They're giving me a hotel, and this chick doesn't have a place to stay for the night... I swear this is how real life Porno starts.
Just saved her as "new hostess that randy banged" ...I forgot her name
A man bought two 40's from me, then asked if I had duct tape. How do people over 50 know about Edward 40hands? It was very weird.
I can't bring an entire liter in the bar in my purse. I mean I can. I might. I'm probably gonna.
my dad has now seen 6 different dudes grab my ass. i guess i should start a list.
I'm dressed in all sequins still at 9:30 in the morning and the worst part is that I actually still fit in in Vegas
Hey nothing wrong with those! I can't believe the guys who let me see where they live on first dates. Even more surprising, I don't stalk them after they've done me wrong.
I feel like every man should aspire to get a blowjob from a sword swallower.
I just realized I haven't got laid since the last time the Browns won.
My entire grocery store purchase consisted of Little Debbie snacks and Budweiser
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
Randomize
