I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
It was like a mary poppins bag, except a sexual mary poppins bag.
high people should be assigned attendants
i just saw someone i know on True Life. i need new friends.
i don't know what the guinness world record is for longest time eating nothing but skittles but i'm going on six days
Come see our sink grown plant.
Im eating the cereal I found in my pocket and drinking wine out of the bottle.
Well sundance is in town and Im going to use my one and only shot to bang Taylor swift... Does it count as a random if shes famous?
If a vagina could give out awards, you should be preparing an acceptance speech.
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
Just remembered I railed lines while holding a puppy
I was jerking him off and in two seconds he went from "oh yeah that feels good" to "what day is Thanksgiving again?" and then back again. Like wtf.
I'm gonna give the church their tithe, and the rest is a down payment on boobs.
If he sends me a dick pic so help me god.