I did the walk of shame to another booty call
I don't think that should turn me on, but it does
Cops are here now. U need to come back. Ur not under arrest. But u need to apologize to the woman for what you did to her cat.
when your friendship is based on dead babies and vodka there is a delicate balance. lesson learned. for what its worth, you are still my number one.
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
Go for the frenulum. Its like eating a popsicle. They go nuts with that shit.
Sorry you called when I was puking in a cheetos bag
Ignoring the crisis im in. Sitting in the front yard in a kiddie pool. Wearing arm floaties, fins and a snorkel. Waiting for a hot guy to walk by.
He made a fake guest pass that was just a note card with "I'm here. Me." written in sharpie, and tried to convince the security guard it was real.
I felt so bad for you. Drunk Rachael wanted nothing more than to crawl into the cop car and give you a hug. Luckily Mollied/Barred out Rachael convinced Drunk Rachael this was a terrible idea. So I ran. I have your keys btw
So glad I decided to show up and puke in your trashcan.
These are the moments that bond souls forever.
Just took plan b with my eggs and chai...homecoming got the best of me already
He made a playlist to use during sex...that ended with The Ultimate Warrior's entrance music.
Booty called 3 guys from my hospital bed
He's far too busy staring into my soul to touch my tits.
Don't make me do math I'm drunk and full of chicken