I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
Got bored today and made list of places in apt I want to have sex. One includes opening and coming out the window.
If I die, please delete the word file entitled "Rainy Day"
i dont even feel safe using a push mower...that hungover
You just want to fuck a girl in a dinosaur costume, don't you?
I found you laying in the kitchen with a bottle of vodka and a slice of bologna on your face. You said you were having a spa day.
He told me we were going to a cabin. It's just logs and a tarp made into walls. This night can go either way at this point.
I like her. She smells like old lady but tastes like whiskey
I don't understand why you aren't on this trip all I do is smoke weed drink beer and get fingered
the only reason I'm still sleeping with him is to get the university's secure wifi password
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
Keep in mind this was 2012... YOLO was a very new concept.
Also, I had mind-blowing sex on a pool table
You spilled your drink, and we laughed so hard my boobs popped out of my shirt.
So, I'm roughly 90% sure that the guy next to me in the xray waiting room is watching porn on his phone right now
Randomize
