Bea Arthur died! :(
What?
Big bird passed.
he invited me to an all week drinking party at his house. apparently he knows the key to my heart is booze shaped.
I just used a tire swing as a toilet. I think I'm gonna pass out here so I can see the look on the first kid who uses it in the morning.
phone sex would be way better if there was an app for that...
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
that girl from work that wants to bone me just said 'the last time i went this long without sex was in jail'. sup, red flag
I'm going to see if it catches on fire again, then I'll make the decision.
I really need to find a new way to reward you other than head scratches, nutella and blowjobs.
Im shrooming at the foot of a tree on top of a mountain. Feeling fly as fuckin socrates and bon iver.
You were running around waving the flier in everyone's face and thats how we ended up in a church eating free breakfast tacos at 3 am
He was so fat that he broke two of my ribs
Maybe it's time to stop screaming I'm a chubby chaser every time you enter a drinking establishment
How many nights in 2015 can we have no one get injured, run away crying, or get into a brawl?
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
I'm fairly sure I accidentally saw my dad naked last night
If she didn't have scissors in her hand I would have motor boated the fuck out of her when she was done cutting my hair.
Randomize
