My Higher Power is John Stamos
could you grab mr moo while you're at his apt?
you brought your stuffed animal to a booty call?
Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
We need to talk about our relationship.
I just won a bet involving 10 tequila shots. You've got about 3 minutes
I will also be strapping forties to the puppies.
Thanks to this cookie, I have now eaten something other than skittles today.
There's some drunk girl alone in the field, she looks like she could use some help.
Also it's only fair that you know that that girl is me.
My head is pounding and I need an ice pack for my vag. Successful friendsgiving!
And then you asked me why my legs were so thick and started measuring them with a ruler
We'll just charge in there, all pant less and fabulous demanding he give back her ferret.
looked up people from my old yearbooks. 3 ex boyfriends are gay. im getting drunk now.
She answered the door wearing a basket, said it was the only clean thing she had.
Rebecca hasn't has this number in 3 months. Please tell all her friends to stop calling at 3 am. We are not interested in buying or selling drugs nor do we want to hook up with anyone. You all need to go to rehab.
So, I actually said the words "but face tattoos are sexy"
She climbed in my window blew me and left. She's in my phone as the blow job fairy
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