She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
My mind says no, but my body says yes.
What does your body say about chlamydia?
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
Swine flu is the new snow day.
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
every time you want to hook up with a guy who has a girl friend, i'll just give you a freshman
You're my spirit guide. This has to do with oatmeal cream pies.
that's why i use the vibrator in the tanning bed. multitasking. plus then my rooms doesnt know how pathetic of a life i lead.
you threw up into the pocket of your shirt. which was pretty damn polite
I think the old lady next to me at the bar just saw your pussy
He challenged me to a drink off, I couldn't just say no. It was a matter of pride really.
And as he was cursing your name from the bathroom you were ordering yourself another drink on his tab. The poor bastard had no clue you were a pro drunk
There is a BIG difference between doing coke and getting peed on and getting peed on FOR coke
Haha! You know I mean that in a positive way. Like, "let them eat cake!" Or in our case, "let them achieve obesity from the two entree plate at Panda Express!"
I'm pmsing and only have one functional foot
I may or may not be setting up an encounter with a foot fetishist just because I'm curious.
Randomize
