There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
Dude are you being arrested? I swear I just saw you laying on the hood of your car with a cop patting you down...
He specifically said I couldn't post the picture of him passed out naked except for a strategically placed washcloth. Where's the fun in that?
YOU'RE MARRIED. TO OTHER PEOPLE.
21 Of The Most Regrettable Tattoo Ideas Ever
Did you go to church in Texas and sign me up?
You need southern Jesus
May or may not have just put tequila in my special "kids+" orange juice fortified with vitamins a, b, c, d, e, and now t.
I lowered my expectations when he started off saying "ah missionary, my specialty"
Apparently there was a black out and the security alarms went off except I was convinced it was the microwaves and made ben unplug them all then got really frustrated cos he wasnt doing it right
drying my bra with a hair dryer wasn't exactly how I had planned on starting my day.
These 25 People Had Very Inappropriate Sexual Relations(hips)
Can't tell if waking up covered in easy mac is the sign of an amazing or terrible night
I'm definitely not going to be able to fuck him high. I won't be able to not laugh at his man boobs
I get stoned and write a 15 page history report in two hours. She gets stoned and cries because she "doesn't know which shade of pink is the real one".
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
And you are going to be so turned on by my batman skills later
It's best not to have your booty call on social media. So if they post stupid shit, you still want to fuck them.