I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
i guess you could say your face is two degrees of separation from my balls
His second form of ID was an emergency room wristband from an hour ago. What the fuck is going on right now
Haha yeah he had an allergic reaction to the alcohol earlier. He thinks that if he only drinks vodka he will be ok...
i told her that i loved her pillow breasts and then she asked me if i wanted to motor boat them. so yea, i do need the room tonite.
These 19 Men’s Fashion Mistakes are Unforgivable, According to Women
like a sex slave...but with a better dental insurance plan
did i call you last night crying about tacos and the royal wedding again?
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
It's like a teen mom casting at the Obgyn's office. I feel great about my positive life decisions.
I tried to find the bar, ended up at a car dealership. Then the alarms went off.
25 Cringeworthy Below the Pants Injuries
No more stories ab the wkend for co-workers... No one else found "and I didn't have pants on when I got home Saturday night" as funny as I did.
Fuck these runners passing me on campus as I'm waking to dinner. With my huggie. With flavored vodka and rum. Aka yum
Is it counter productive to ride on my exercise bike with a cocktail in hand?
It's settled. One of us is going to bang her brother. The world demands justice and he's hot. We'll be the justice league if it were made of alcoholic whores
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.