CONFIRMATION: i wiki searched it and Justin Bieber is 15 not 13. so i dont feel like as much of a pedofile now....
I told him next time he kisses her to remember where that mouth has been...
How'd that go?
Hes on his way with a baseball bat...
I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
21 Ladies Confess The Grossest Things They Do When No One’s Around
There are going to be so many Snookis this Halloween that I might just dress as the guy that hit her and punch them all in the face
we got plastered, then made lists of anything thats ever been in our vaginas
I know. Brad is upset because he was lower on the list than "that carrot stick"
We're about to have a bottle rocket fight on jetskis. You have 5 minutes to get on our level.
Thanks for the viagra you gave me last night. I ended up getting called in to work to cover a shift. So I had to tell Kayla that I couldn't hang out and I had to try and hide my dick all night while walking serving people food all night.
If we can only get laid once in a blue moon, apparently this will be our month.
23 Tweets I Thought Were Really Funny When I Was Drunk Yesterday
I went eBay shopping last night. Turns out I brought a Viking drinking horn. I can't even be mad.
Take your time. I'm mowing the lawn. In the dark. Drunk.
I don't know what to do with my life other than going on Reddit and watching porn.
As I was about to fuck him, he requested a moment of silence for Leonard Nimoy.
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
uh...sober saturday NEVER has a good ring to it.