haha i took a picture of myself naked on her camera
She didnt have a camera...
When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, you're a dumbass
I just got three quarters of the way there before I realized I was way too stoned for class so I bought a smoothie and walked home.
I just saw a guy wearing a tuxedo shirt under his overalls. That is true iowa class right there
23 Roommates Share Secrets Their Roomie Thinks They Don’t Know
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
Okay I'm all about any plan that ends with "We're gonna get you drunk."
and then you went into taco bell without pants...and surprisingly you weren't the only one there without pants
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
Take off that red sweater and wear my vagina as a facemask.
29 Cringeworthy Situations People Realized They Shouldn’t Be In
Meeting his dad and brother for the first time at the jail while I'm bailing him out ISN'T exactly how I pictured this relationship going....
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
bullshit you weren't drunk, you pointed at me and said my cigarette was empty
You know it's really hard to draft fantasy football players in a crowded bar when I have a raging hard on
Despite breaking my phone, thumb, and my dignity, last night was pretty good.
Pretty sure I just scored Election Day sex based on the theory that if either of these fools win the world as we know it is over so we might as well get a few orgasms in...