Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
I couldn't walk, so he carried me all the way home; and then I told him that I wasn't drunk enough to fuck him. Poor kid.
You are missing out on the best boobs in town right now
Apparently Bin Ladens last act of terrorism is cock blocking me....
That awesome feeling when you are pooping on the same toilet that nobel laureates have pooped on
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
I was on the verge of being completely over him and then he went and made his Instagram not private... ITS LIKE HE KNEW
im questioning your sanity while also accepting your reality
I can't believe you cupped pat's balls to prove your fake relationship
I am 5' 11" of pure, uncut Fuck Off right now.
it was like where's waldo, only the stakes were much higher.
Btw you guys passed out eating DP dough and watching Pocahontas... on a monday
it was stoner heaven..
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