So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
One of her kids, Dakota I think, got stuck in a ceiling fan and she had a fit, thats when she found the penis hat.
I wish they made portable blow up dolls for girls.
It's called a dildo, genius. Go to sleep.
His lack of social graces and moral fiber complements mine nicely.
You are my best friend, but sometimes best friends need to punch each other in the face
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
He kept telling me that he didn't serve two tours in Iraq for my bitch ass to drink banana rum.
I fucking hate humanity. I met a twenty three year old adult with an aol email account today. I'm not sure how those things are related, but I'm sure they are.
I guess you never know how much of an impact you have on someone until you sleep with their cousin
Full body rubs, head scratches, foot rubs, massages, a penis that is able to get hard whenever you want it. I mean ive got a lot to offer
He said he would get me a helmet and bedazzle it with my name and address so the cabs would know where to take me
Yeah I knew you'd like him. He's emotionally and physically self destructive.
We would have so much to talk about!
He has a syndrome called asshole. And it flares up 24/7.
When we were in Vegas he tried to get an Elvis impersonator to act dead on a toilet so he could take photos. This is even worse
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