you were having sex in the bathroom so i pee'd in your bong water...
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
Most likely. calling 911 isnt usually something i do the first time i hang out w. someone, but hey. its a good story now.
when im done with her im going to need you to carry me on your shoulders as i poses victoriously for all those who were within earshot
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just slow jerked to the titanic theme song, i dont think theres enough alcohol in the state to get me over her tonight
Finally hooked up w/ that yoga instructor chick. Got a little more than I expected. Like a full on bush more than I expected. How do you tell a girl that her bush scares you?
....I feel like you are deciding whether or not I'm good enough for you based on what I ordered from Chipotle.
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
Did you feel uncomfortable?
For a little while. Then I got really high and ate a bunch of animal crackers out of some dudes pocket while we chilled on their super comfortable couch.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He was going down on me and all I could think about was how proud of me you'd be
Currently on my Sunday walk of shame. Should I go to church?
I don't know when he had the time to do it but he dug a hole in our basement like the shawshank redemption
I haven’t taken my socks off in over 36 hours. I should add that to my bumble profile.
thanks for passing me through your vagina 20 years ago today. your the best
I hate when he takes the condom off to cum all over me. It defeats the purpose.
It’s like having a barf bag and choosing to puke in your own lap.
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