swear to god some girl just crawled out of the washing machine. this is intense.
I think I'm going to inject the gummy vitamins with vodka
I'm glad you're using your medical degree for some good for once
The Swedes wanted a tensome.
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
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you proceeded to scream out that it's your birthday to everyone who walked by before you collapsed in the middle of the street. happy 21st birthday to you.
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
He really thought ahead and just left the tequila in the mail box for late night pickup. Best. Friend. Ever.
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
I just wanna inform you guys that the first pregnancy scare of 2016 is over...
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I gave him the white girl "you spilled my psl look" and walked away
He and his ex stood there talking about going to get Chinese food while I was half naked searching for my panties
Our sex is like an episode of "The Simpsons." Picture Homer choking Bart, and that's pretty much what we're into.
But like, I don't remember getting hit with the door... I just come out from peeing and there was blood running down my face.
Do NOT. I repeat. DO NOT call me little one after we have fucked. In no world is that ok. Even jesus agrees.
It’s awful. They need to open the bars. I’m now trolling grocery stores looking for dick
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