genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
you definitely have a few illegitimate kids
probs. Not too worried about it though. MOst girls are too embarrassed that they let me into their pants that they'll never admit its mine
i really wish james franco would like my vagina
The guy is drinking 5 bottles of beer in a juice pitcher. Fucking amazing.
Bombed my 8 a.m. exam and the liquor store doesn't open till noon. Drinking unfinished beers from last night till they open.
CORAL IS FAR MORE RED THAN HER LIPS RED
Oh god you're Sonnet 130 drunk, aren't you.
At one point I thought we were going to have to fuck our way out of their apartment
Just had a threesome. Girlfriend wasn't a part of it. Broke up with her by sending her a picture of it. Hell is going to be awesome
I should start wearing my Batman shirt more often when I drink. Good things happen. All sorts of shit.
It's statistically impossible for there not to be at least one guy sexting you right now
the dude in the apartments across the street got a video of me railing blake on your front steps last night
shit like this is why i dont let you drink vodka anymore ..
When I'm drunk I really like to hold dicks. Like, affectionately.
Your actions as of last night have earned you over thirty new nicknames.
I want to but I can't have a boner while doing a install and working with a customer
You better have a raging boner when I get to your house and it better be worth missing work in the morning.
Randomize
