I enjoy that i have a whole shelf of clothes that I've accumulated from random sex. You know the ones you get to make the morning after look less awkward like similar to an athletes trophy shelf
You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
My dad told me my only assignment from now til graduation is to not die. it's a legit concern for him.
Single person behavior: I wanted a cookie but was too lazy to make or go buy any, so I let cookie dough ice cream melt and ate all the chunks. Pantsless.
How are you going to come here and fuck on our couch ? That's everyones couch
Saying you need a hooker then asking me to have sex is NOT the way to get laid. Booty call 101.
Soggy bong water carpet is the worst kind of carpet.
Well for decently drunk, in the woods, last-person-i-should-be-hooking-up-with sex, i thought it was pretty good.
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
I'm wandering around outside asking things if they are god
I found a 9 minute video on my phone of you singing into an eggplant.
I find celibacy oppressive. Huge waste of my time and talents.
Steven and I talked about running for office again today. It's fucked that my 3 dream jobs are marijuana bakery owner, bar owner, and president.
There's a difference tho. *I* drink at seven in the morning because I work graveyards. YOU drink at seven in the morning cause you're an alcoholic.
Randomize
