one should ask oneself what kind of lifestyle one is leading when one finds a handprint of semen on their pillow the next day.
It would be been irresponsible not to make cleaning the apartment into a drinking game
When you guys came back from the bar, I thought everyone was a T-Rex - Thats why i was hiding under the table. Never doing shrooms with Drunk people again
Your engaged. Stop telling guys you will sit on their face. They don't always know your kidding.
Apparently while trying to get up from vomiting in the toilet I grabbed the seat cover for leverage and smashed my own head between it and the bowl. I don't remember this.
There has to be a way to make college graduation in Las Vegas different than any other Tuesday in Las Vegas. Strippers? Been there. Getting arrested for public indecency on the strip? Done that.
There is booty call etiquette, and he just isn't following it. I'm not making you breakfast, gtfo.
How bad is it I'm looking at his cock while waiting to see my therapist?
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
this is the last time i am going to a 7am booty call
Looking for my adderal, only found acid. What a shame
dollar rum and cokes, see you on the dark side of infinity
Weight watchers just said "you've tracked beer three times recently, want to make it one of your favorites?" I'm begining to understand why I needed to go in the first place.
my grocery cart consisted of hershey bars, sour patch kids, starbursts, mayo, 4 frozen pizzas, 4 lunchables, and chips. clearly, i can't do this on my own.
My butthole is tingling. Must be the grapefruit juice
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