I'm going to use my one free fuck up card tonight.
What'd you do?
Its more like what im about to do.
is it cool if i come over and use your computer?
what happened to yours?
i got a little to drunk last night and threw up on it...then i tried to wash it off under the sink.
why is it whenever you puke in the park there are always little kids on the swings?
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
Let's just say a refrigerator got involved and after that I had to send him home.
We drove around last night shotting fireworks out the window while they had sex in the back of his car
The maintenance guy asked for a box to stand on to reach the ceiling. All I could offer him was a keg.
i can't invite random hot hobos into my aunt's house.
I got laxative. And a toothbrush. Because who wants to buy just laxative on a Friday night?
I went through my entire iTunes library and made a playlist called "Feelings". I have 7.5 hours of feelings.
That's fine. It's not illegal to bring ham into a museum.
After the apocalypse all we'll have is vodka and twinkles.
Remember last NYE when after the 9th shot of tequila you went on full crazy mode and made out with the 50 y/o doorkeeper? and he called you the next day?
I snuck a teenager into a club last nite, I felt like such a criminal. It was Awsome
His dog hid my thong. Let me tell you, the last thing you want during a commando mini skirt walk of shame is lots of wind. There’s a church congregation that knows all my business
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