Woke up in a closet. I'm not drinking till summer.
I'm heating up a hotdog using a candle.
It would be celebrated in history as "the orgasm heard round the world"
I am now trying to reassure her that she doesn't have a wide-set vagina. So thanks, for whatever you said.
Just successfully went through airport security with shrooms. It's gonna be a fucking awesome new years
No no, there's drunk and then there's 'spooning with lawn gnomes' drunk.
You're not on my level until you shop at Petsmart for sex accessories.
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
Excuse me while I download incredibly disturbing porn until I'm more ashamed of myself than of my country.
Well five day drinking adventure in appreciation of cinco de drinko under the belt, great way to start may
Yeah, I only wore tennis shoes under the gown. Way cooler than khakis and a shirt, but much more awkward when my parents wanted to go to dinner immediately after the ceremony and my grandmother started to unzip the gown. Stopped her before it was too late, but barely. My dad just rolled his eyes.
so I guess I made a note in my phone last night to remind myself not to do shrooms on the cruise ship
Not really how I planned to achieve immortality, but I'll take it.
I still hate everything and everyone around me. Krampus taught me nothing.
It's almost like he's actually taking my commentary and criticism to heart, but simultaneously succumbing to some primal urge to wear less clothing each time.
Randomize
