This is how scared I get when I ride roller coasters. And how scared I was when I had to poop when I had herpes.
why did they invent bidet's? your butt gets clean when your poop falls in the toilet and splashes up anyway...
my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
just found a sign outside my brothers door "not going to church, don't even try" and he is covered is vomit in his bed.
She was giving me great head...... until I asked her how much this was going to cost.... she left abruptly
I left him a voicemail saying i went through with the abortion and he texts me back one thing... the bbm "phew" face. really?
I never thought your mom would see me throwing up on my hands and knees in your front yard
I'm not drunk enough to eat silly string
I have 4 passes to the spa here, walking around with a robe on and putting cucumber slices on my penis. You guys should come hang out here. It's very relaxing
I say go for the trifecta and maybe you'll get a medal or something. Or a baby. That's like the same thing right?
i told the cop we knew everyone at the party, it was 250 of our closest friends and she's like funny nobody on the balcony knew whose house this was
Thats why they were on the balcony!
I Pavlov-trained him by smacking him in the nuts anytime I caught him looking at another girl in public. To this day, he's afraid to break eye contact with me in a restaurant if a tall busty blonde walks in.
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
I’ve gone two rounds already this morning and I’m ready for a third. The moon is in the house of sluticus hornius.
Can you explain to me why I showed my boobs to the firemen to get free beer?
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