You kept calling me your small dog last night.
But like now everytime I pee I just think... wow I had sex with him on this toilet.
I had my first sober conversation with his roommate. I remembered half way through that the first time we met I was getting fucked on his counter
what are we doing this weekend?
I have enough booze to get us through Armageddon...which basically means that on Sunday we will have to make a trip to the liquor store.
Jacked up my neck and shoulder hanging on for dear life while I rode him like a boss. Plus my house smells like broccoli, bad! How's YOUR morning?
And know that if I ever text "road head?" that it comes from a place of caring and not a place of heartlessness..
hoooly shit dude in taco costume challenged alpha douche to a fight. he's got catch phrases. come. now.
THIS IS NOT A DECISION I MADE AT ONE IN THE MORNING IM JUST GETTING AROUND TO TELLING YOU ABOUT IT NOW
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
Nah. After about 5 shots he decided he needed to clean the gutters. We're headed to the hospital now so meet us there.
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
went out last night. woke up with a lisp.
He broke into my house because he missed me. Then ends the relationship because I'm the needy one. Ironic much?
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
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