Uhhh...do I owe you any money? Or an apology? Or anything?
Tonight has been like a good ass fucking high school movie
take it from a girl who woke up with a girl in her bed... you were not that drunk.
You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
ENDLESS SCROLLING ON TUMBLR WAS MADE FOR HIGH PEOPLE!
She just got out of the car and said "hold on purse.. It's going to be a bumpy ride"
P.S, i don't recommend doing keg stands on top of vehicles.
why is my forehead so bruised?
i found you outside knocking on the door with your head because you couldn't lift your arms.
Yikes. I usually have a 24-hour waiting period between sex partners. You know, like for a handgun.
Who invented hangovers? And why did I make out with him and eat an entire can of chilli mixed with hot fries while screaming "YOU ONLY GRADUATE ONCE" last night?
She said we couldnt stop drinking until there were enough bottles to make a fort. so we could have sex in our "bottle castle"
Haha he was not a poor little guy. If he'd talked to me or something I might feel bad. But since I saw him groping other girls as well as myself there's no sympathy coming from me
He's just picking out the right girl. I do the same thing with fruit. Grope them, squeeze them, smell them. I have to know I'm getting quality fruit.
You're his holy grail. The moment he finally gets you to orgasm he'll probably just retire and become a monk.
I wasnt 2 drunk i sobered up around the time we were shooting the fire extinguishers
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
Randomize
