I've been deciding between brands of bagels for 20 minutes. This why I doint smoke weed.
Wait time out. Did I start last night with pants?
He deleted all his profile pics with her. It was like the bat signal for single women everywhere.
i just wanna get shit faced and pass out in some random holly bush with a bucket on my head and stockings for shoes.
his name is devion and he has a voice like velvet and handcuffs
Did I change midway through last night?
Seven times. The most notable outfits were UFC Fighter and Top Hat Viking
Yep. How's your hangover?
It's like I fucked its sister and it's getting back at me.
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
We had to go. She called the bartender a thundercunt.
Don't judge me 👊🏼 his dick just whispers my name
dude where did you go last night?
when the tequila says to run, you start running.
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
sorry about your sharpie. alex wanted to shave the left side of his body so he had me draw a line over him with a ruler
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
Randomize
