she had condoms in her med. cabinet - magnums -I don't think I'm tall enough for this ride
I drunkenly sent a picture of my scrotum to the entire baseball team last night
Woke up and went out for a cigarette and it was dead quiet. It was like the world just knew how many mistakes were made last night.
How do you say "I'm not pregnant in Spanish?"
She brought a box of chocolates to give the bartender and now he's giving her free shots.. Why didn't we think of that?
I just had someone I don't even know on Facebook message me saying it seems like I drink too much and should slow down.
But I swear to god if I'm awkwardly there while you try to have sex with someone again I'm getting high with your dad
I confess. I just downed the bottle of saki. And I'm singing phantom of the opera to the dogs. Be glad you're not here for the high notes.
Glow Paint looked great for the Black Light Party last night, Tonight having a glow in the dark Pizza on my arm, not so much.
You kept purposefully giving me wrong directions, laughing, then yelling at me for taking directions from a drunk person.
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
his mom fetish really needs to stop. this is literally the 5th time i've come home from work and there's been some random skank and her kids in the living room.
did one of the kids use their poo like a crayon on the wall this time?
I Woke up still tied to the bed. I would say, it was a good night!
p.s i need to stop drunk texting my mom. she brings up text convos all the time and i have no idea what shes talking about...
One day he'll find out I do drugs and stop talking to me.
What will you do then?
Drugs, probably.
Randomize
