Tell me I did not drive one hour for whiskey dick.
There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
I think I saw a glimmer of recognition, but she must not have been able to make me out through all of her whorishness.
im so bored in class... i just made a pie graph of my favorite bars and a bar graph of my favorite pies
I know the scar will be in an obvious place, that's why I'm certain it'll score me cancer blowjobs
We waited til after. Not even drunk sex felt right during a Disney movie.
you're surprised the chick that fucked you for a free cup has herpes. i don't feel bad for you.
I don't know what's happening. Everyone is wearing beaks.
I am honored my friend, to hold the decision of what enters your body
I be dancing. See you soon. You can drink tequila from my pants.
So now I'm lying here in bed taking notes from Teen Mom... I fucked up
Just me, my martini, and my backup Martini.
Just bought a dildo. Happy first time single in four years Valentine's Day to me
Uhh I just had to break up with a guy who I didn't even know I was dating...
Do you know how fucking great a bath bomb is when you're high?
Randomize
