i just googled 'classy porn'. high, low, i dunno i just got bored of cum shots.
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
New pre-game routine....wal-mart bathrooms...quality beers for free...hallelujah
WHY WOULD YOU LET ME MAKE THAT MUCH NOISE DURING SEX IN RESIDENCE ?!
I tried to push your face into the pillow but then you kicked like a donkey.
I love tequila.
i made it my goal to pee in the sink of every apartment we went to last night. i didnt use the toilet once
Look on the bright side, you can mark 'beastiality' off your bucket list
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
No clues in my phone. Only dialed call: my own social security number. And that was before 10:00pm.
Dont tell her I prefer to have an aura of mystique surronding me and my penis.
There is a doctor sitting next to me at lunch talking about the engorged scrotum surgery he did this morning and I am about to lose my professional grown adult facade.
FOUND MY PANTIES COMINY JOME
I dunno what's worse, that one guy here said he'd blow somebody for Tim Horton's right now, or that someone else looks like they want to test his sincerity.
Come get me, I'm fucking scared.
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
I wasn't talking about him I meant his penis! Its not a pet
Oh. Well it should be. I like petting it.
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
Randomize
