Do you have a shampoo for semen
Or a time machine
Im so hungover that my 6 year old cousine made me aspirine and coffee out of playdoh...
You spend 45 minutes trying to convince that pregnant girl you were with all night to have sex with you cause 'the worst had already happened.'
Gotta love hanging with Nat. By the time guys realize she isnt going home with them, they've spent enough money and time to think I'm a good idea.
Is there a reason why the cops knew her name as they were chasing her?
I am NOT getting arrested in a wig.
You were high and telling me you felt like Pinocchio and that fire was bad for wood.
that's probably because you left your arm in the fishtank for 90% of the night
Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels...
Totally clawed myself in the face during sex. I can die happy?
We were just getting out tux's at men's warehouse he pulled both of the fitting room girls. I dont think he should be getting married
Should I tell him how he got the bruise on his ass or just enjoy his theories?
remember when we said that thing when we met about how we were each glad we weren’t furries
ok listen,
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
OH DEAR GOD IT GOT IN MY MOUTH AGAIN HELP
Randomize
