I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
Let's face it. We both have sexy parts. Why not have them touch?!
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
It's like my ice maker knows when I wanna get drunk
why did you let me tell everyone that you can get herpes from the ice luge and then let me do the ice luge?
I just found our entire wall-to-wall from September 2006 printed out and clipped... it's 49 pages. Blackout me is so considerate of bored-at-work me
All I remember was endless tequila and pulling karate moves from 3 Ninjas Kick Back towards the guy at 7 Eleven. Explanation?
Drunk cheerio confetti may seem like a brilliant idea when your drunk, but believe me, the next day, its a horrible, horrible mess.
Michelle asked what I was wearing tonight. I responded with a g-string and plastic wrap. I've gotten no response since.
Ugh he's so pretty though. He bit my face at the bar because I tried to steal his ID and I forgave him
Ate a live seahorse, then tried to order a nacho bell grande from an ATM.
How the fuck do you get to keep practicing as a Nurse.
Well shove his head down there and tell him not to stop til we have a new president!
ok give me a pep talk, I want a hotdog but I'm too stoned to go make it
sex on acid sucks though, i want to connect with the universe not your dick.
Look at us. Planning our business meeting. Including snacks like shrooms & trail mix.
Randomize
