she came over and started getting naked and said its not like i came over to just hang out
youve hit the jackpot
He's married, but his wife isn't my neighbor so I don't feel bad about coveting him.
This isn't the rejection hotline, is it?
I just spilled my beer all over my laptop.. this is what i get for actually trying to do homework
I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
So apparently I shook her hand very polite, said weiner and walked away
90 persent of me said don't pee on that fake plant. Buyt i did
let's just pour the lemonade mix into the soco. cut out the middle man.
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
He was handing out home-made business cards that read "finger slamming bitches since 1986"\n
I'm gonna chug this bud light an might injure this high school penis, like I'm 17 again
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
And no one can masturbate with the sound of Bernie's voice in the background
It just so happens all of their names are Ryan, so I never have to change whose name I moan.
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
Randomize
