you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
we were naked in his bed and he told me all about what a "baller" alexander the great was.
It's sad that he has such a beautiful cock and doesn't know what to do with it.
the sad thing is, im pretty sure she was serious about giving me head for my falafel
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And the clouds opened up and the sex gods said I hate you alfalfa
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
Dude. The only thing that I use less than my dick is my tennis racket. We need to play.
one renamed every person in my phone 'I lpvw tewqils', so it would really help me out if you could text me your name. Happy sunday!
When i like your selfie it means one of two things. 1. thats a nice photo, friend. OR 2. I wanna bend you over a table. But youll never know.
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I'm dipping store brand pepperoni pizza in bacon flavored ranch dressing. Obesity tastes so good.
I almost tased myself
I dont think you should own that device.
It's an awesome device. I love this device.
Dislocated my knee during sex, popped it back in and kept going. Then got simpathy chipotle out of it too.
Ethically, this is the worst thing I've ever done. Financially, however...
I am witnessing a blind guy whip ass at beer pong
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
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