And if you don't call me, I will embarrass you publicly with a can of spray cheez.
I can't believe all I ate yesterday was half a turkey sandwich and 20 finger licks of exctasy.
he said I could live with him because I'm cheaper than a dog and don't need a pet deposit. That and I don't piss on the carpet...
Can you explain to me the broken disco ball in my front yard?
In a cab. Towels everywhere. Confused.
I remember nothing except the fact it happened and I ate doritos and we highfived a lot
Ask me who hasn't showered since Sunday and just got cruised at the gas station on his way to work. I'm a terrible gay.
It was big, black, and had a smiley face tattooed on it. It was the perfect penis.
It's days like today, when my bra and underwear match, that make me feel like I'm getting my life together...
HE BEAT A GUY WITH NOTHING BUT RAZZLE DAZZLE AND HIS FABULOUSNESS
You just kept looking down at your tits and screaming "I LOVE YOU TWO!!!"
I think I need practice at oral sex
I own a practice facility.
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
Um. I just realized I still have a beer in my purse from last night. I'm at work. I am so classy.
My butthole is tingling. Must be the grapefruit juice
Randomize
