Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
Regardless, you never quit out of your interenet. You left your porn on the living room comp. Then you passed out four feet from the chair with your hand still down your pants. We decided that we should go back to her place instead. Worlds best wingman.
im a genious. moved my bed and mirror so i can watch the game while Fucking
I was taking a bath and he burst in, sat down and started taking a shit. RIGHT BESIDE ME. My lack of privacy astounds me.
I just had someone I don't even know on Facebook message me saying it seems like I drink too much and should slow down.
Also I fell in love w a girl dressed as a pirate that was great at doing the limbo
Had a crazy moment last night. Had to get up, run to bathroom, pop 3 Xanax, sit on bathroom floor and rock myself in fetal position. Not my best moment.
I was woken up at 6 am by a second grader trying to give me a sweatshirt for a pillow
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
I survive off of bourbon and the tears of others only
I am buying anal lube, an enema, and a bag of kit kats. What part of this is compelling the Walgreens woman to tell me to "be well".
How was your night?
I spent a lot of money and drank a lot of booze. Also was part of a successful search party
This whole Rob and Chyna drama is giving me trust issues. I'm about to text my ex and be like if you haven't already deleted my nudes, can you?
My dad is sitting where you rode me
He climbed on the counter and announced it was time for something called The Cocktacular and all the girls immediately left. He cockblocked the entire fraternity!
Randomize
