So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
Oh my god it just tripped me out that I used to be a baby, I had to tell you.
I think I should just go up to him and say, "before I invest time in this could I just take a look at your penis?"
Anyways, i'm off to play with a rubber dick and a ouija board with two other girls...
I just made bacon chili cheese fries for dinner...someday my kids are going to realize I'm a stoner & this will all make sense
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
cheese fries, coffee, with a side of dry heaving in the bathroom at the diner on campus at 5am. never felt better.
I just spent the last ten minutes making a timeline of my sex life. 2010 and 2011 I am calling "I can't believe Im still clean" years.
Jesus christ it's been two texts and we are already talking about dildos
I would totally lead with that as a line.'So, I was on Legends of the Hidden temple as a kid.. Your place or mine?'
just had sex in the back of my high school auditorium #dreamcumtrue
He referred to our sex as "an Olympic event." My tits are bruised.
"suitors" is just a nice way of her saying "the guys i'm fucking"
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