you wouldn't even come home last night... Dead to me
Another night of drunkeness. Maybe I shouldn't have played death pong...
Didn't you just get a DUI last week?
Indeed I did but death didn't stop Jesus now did it
I failed the drunk obstacle course of trying to find my bed... consolation prize... a sore ankle and "disappointed' parents.
she says her boyfriend and her dignity are both out of town tonight
you were sitting on the floor cleaning up your own puke and telling my mom she should hire you as a maid.
Exactly, finding that perfect flask to come with you on all your adventures is like finding the perfect wedding dress. You have to feel it.
So i just got guilted into doing a tequila shot by a group of guys chanting "USA!" at me.
He tried to spell out "PROM?" in his cum on my stomach during sex. It was terrible
well did you say yes?
I need to stop ravaging the freshman dorm like a virginity-snatching dragon.
Seriously. We gorilla glued our hands together. Eating pizza last night was impossible.
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
Just almost drowned myself in the shower again. I need an adult.
Guy just walked into the bathroom with only socks on and took a 5second shit. It is taking me longer to type this than for him to shit, wash hands, and leave the bathroom. WTF? Still wondering why he only had socks on.
Randomize
