I GPSed you we're an hour and 14min away from each other
and it's going to stay that way
Yeah things got weird. You ate an entire bag of hotdog buns, then tried to catch a tree on fire with a candle.
They just came out of my bathroom and asked if I could spare them a condom. See. Its a good thing I have some.
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
shes making a cheerios necklace using dental floss 'just in case' she gets the munchies later
I vaguely remember a pregnant lady reaching for my penis. When was I in an elevator?
Just had to kick my 26 yr old boyfriend out of my bed before getting the kids up for school. Have I mentioned being 41 doesn't suck as much as all the hype.
I just had some kinky fun in the back seat of my car behind a Ralph's in south county. How's your thanksgiving eve?
Everyone's going out for thirsty Thursday and I'm just like. Cool. Enjoy yourself. I'm gonna eat an entire pizza and watch King of Queens reruns.
How the hell could he be confused. He had a naked girl running to him. I feel like he would enjoy that.
Two of my roommates are waxing their vaginas in the living room. Can I come smoke?
I don't know what she looks like but I'm pretty sure she has a pussy.
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
She's walking down the sidewalk with a notebook, a pencil, and a box of cheez its while yelling profanities at small animals.... I'm going 2 ask her where she was before this.
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
Randomize
