I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
are you so shy because you have an std?
man i wonder what i would be like if i had never started smoking weed
just once i'd like the "right thing" and the "topless thing" to be the SAME THING
She insisted on fucking on the futon mattress on the floor, answered the phone call from her boyfriend who was on his way to pick her up, and then had the audacity to ask if I was clean
I used puppy pads next to the couch for her to throw up on....
Just walk straight and zig zag through cars tell you get to the road. That's where I am. Perpendicular to the doors do not make any turns
As i was blowing him Silent Night came on his iTunes. I said "it isn't christmas" and he moans "yeah it is."
Yea we slept in ur room but im 80% sure we didnt have any peanut butter in there
Would "deck the halls with penises " be an appropriate event title? I know peni is the plural but flow of the tongue as well
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
You threw your body across the gross couple hooking up on the couch and demanded they scratch your back. I love you drunk on peach schnapps
I just had a sexting conversation using medieval jargon. I think he is a fine suitor.
we f'd six times
f'd?
its sunday, i cant say fucked
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
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