"Monday" is guna come over...
but its Thursday?
yeah, but she cant make it.Monday can...so there ya go
When he was fingering me, it felt/looked like he was digging around for pocket change.
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
Let's just say there's a reason that "suede" rhymes with "laid".
He's throwing up in my bed and I'm not even getting fucked for this
it's my sixth sense. If there's an orgy within 20 miles of me i'll know about if. Or be a part of it.
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
I sent two dick pics to a wrong number and one was in .gif format so it was helicoptering all over the place. I single handedly ruined a child's life.
THEY AREN'T MARRIED. PUT ON YOUR HOMEWRECKING PANTIES AND GET TO WORK. NO EXCUSES.
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
You left me alone with nothing but donuts and my thoughts.
So how'd the job interview go?
well turns out the guy interviewing me was a regular at the strip club where i used to work. Talk about awkward
You started pulling out condoms from your fanny pack and threw them at all the couples on the beach
I just ate the lyft drivers bacon cheeseburger. Well fuck me this night escalated quickly.
Dude, she had a pound of gunpowder in her closet. I for sure got a fear boner.
Randomize
