i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
I've banged too many servicemen's wives to still be considered an American.
I just taped a plastic bag to my ceiling for the next time I have to throw up on the top bunk. Why am I so good at college?
I took shots of absinthe with my mom just now. Except awful things.
Want to come over and play therapist and then fuck all the emotion away?
Ack! That is the first dick pic I've ever received. A) congrats B) that is way grosser than I ever thought t would be.
Pretty sure I'm about to get another tattoo. It'll have mom in there somewhere for Mother's Day.
I haven't had to masterbate since I started dating him over a year ago. I don't even know if I remember how and my vagina is calling.
I WOLD FCUK YUO INTOO THE MOON
THE MOOOOOOOON
I'm crying watching Rihanna at the VMAs. Periods are a bitch
I don't think Buddha would recommend a sexscpade across Mexico
Babe, holding my hair while i blow you doesn't count as being romantic
I think you threw up on me last night but i can't remember so i'm not mad at you.
I passed out while searching "symptoms of narcolepsy"...
Unless my dick prospects improve this year’s Halloween costume will include panties with “DTF” written on them and a push up bra
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