We almost didn't get a second pitcher, but now we're getting a sixth.
at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.."
youre welcome
She's the only person who can pull off turning an outdoor patio heater tower into a stripper pole.
Leaving ole miss girls house to go to the stripper girls house. Why did it take losing my job to start getting laid all the damn time?
please stop judging me for buying a handle of soco on a thursday at 10am. it was on sale, i'm thinking of my future.
Dear future Eric, sorry about the Everclear. Sincerely, Eric +2 shots E.C.
I called him and he said hell call me back hes in the middle of his kareokee song he was out by himself and his dog
As we were passing the joint around, people were dunking Jenga pieces in Vaseline and sticking them to the window. I also smoked weed with a girl that was in an above the influence commercial.
Hey my vagina is like a company. Everyone has an equal opportunity....
He threw me over his shoulder and carried me outside, all the while drinking from the bottle of rum he was holding, while my ex watched. I'm winning the break-up.
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
I apologize that you just fell victim to my random thought of how to make a blow job come to life via emojis.
He showed me his sex playlist and it looked good, so I slept with him.
Totally reading about penis envy for my final exam
He can be a kind, caring soul but also give in to the temptation of eating unicorn ass.
Randomize
